“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

Wow. I was tagged by both Canadian Bald Guy and Modern Married Momma for this meme. Sorry for the delay in getting this done.

I'm not going to tag anyone, mostly because I think this meme has made the rounds already. Still, if you wanna run with it, go for it! And let me know if you do!

1. I was once a cheerleader. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I tried out at the end of 7th grade and was chosen as an alternate. Then during the summer, and before cheerleader camp, I got a boy haircut (not sure why) and glasses. Big ugly tortoise shell glasses.
   
   While at cheerleader camp that summer, the 6 other cheerleaders bullied and teased me. I ended up quitting cheerleading the day of our first pep rally. (That'll teach 'em.)
   
   Meanwhile, the photo that was taken of me at camp? My family still teases me about it. It is truly the worst picture ever taken of me.

2. I like balance. This is another reason I do yoga. I like balance so much that even if I'm not in the exact middle of my yoga mat, I feel off. I like balance so much that I cannot stand to eat at a table where there is a bench/booth on one side and chairs on the other. Being off balance - stresses me out.
   
   
3. I love this video. Thanks Morgan!
   
   

   
   

4. When I get sad, I love to sing. This song in particular always makes me smile. Maybe because it is me singing and I remember how, when I would perform this song, I would feel like I was flying. (Click on the link to hear the full song.)
   
   

   
   
   
5. I hate shopping. I actually don't mind it for about an hour. Then I begin to feel lightheaded and dizzy and I just need to get out of there! I can't explain it. Maybe that is why I've never been able to work in retail.
6. It is my dream to skinny dip in the Mediterranean. I love Mediterranean food, the people, the languages, the beauty... Perhaps it goes back to my Sicilian roots that I appreciate so much about that area of the world. But really now, doesn't this make YOU want to get naked?
   

   

7. I cut my hair short about every 10 years. This is never intentional timing; I've just noticed a pattern. My hair is generally shoulder length to the middle of my back. However, because of the thickness, I get tired of it and cut it all off. I did it in 1986, 1996, and again in 2006. (And we already talked about the boy haircut from when I was 12.)
   
   Here's the original profile pic from when I began this blog:

   

8. I love to camp. Perhaps that goes back to my Native American roots. I grew up camping with my parents in Arkansas. Give me a tent, sleeping bag, campfire and fishing pole and I am set. Oh and I still climb trees too.

   

9. I am a fairly low maintenance girl. Mindy's meme mentioned that she has to have her toe nails painted all the time. Not me. I wear very little makeup and no polish. I prefer going as natural as possible. Then again, I also love wearing dresses and high heels. I guess I'm a little granola mixed with a Cosmopolitan martini.
10. I believe in ghosts. My whole family does. We could tell you story after story. I also believe in reincarnation, fairies and dreams that come true.
    
    Yeah, I like believing that anything is possible.

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting..."
~The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

I had to add this video because it includes two of my favorite things: Jason Mraz and Amsterdam.

Yes, Mr. Mraz, thank you for the reminder to follow my joy. Mwah!




Make It Mine
~Jason Mraz

Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this
Unless the dreamer is the real you

Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in, the net will appear

I don't wanna wake before
The dream is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I know it

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

I keep my life on a heavy rotation
Requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
And over to a table at the Gratitude Cafe

And I am finally there
And all the angels they'll be singing
Ah la la la, ah la la la
I la la la la love you

I don't wanna break before
The tour is over
I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I, I'll own it

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

And timing's everything
And this time there's plenty
I am balancing
Careful and steady
And reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

Well I don't wanna wait no more
Oh I wanna celebrate the whole world
I'm gonna make it mine
Oh yes I'm following your joy

I'm gonna make it mine
Because I, I am open
I'm gonna make it mine
That's why, I will show it

I'm gonna make it mine
Gonna make it mine
Oh mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

Today while reading Torontomama's latest post about her soon-to-be-long-distance-relationship, I recognized her fears and attempts to resist her feelings.

I am very familiar with this roller coaster myself.

In my comment to her, I made reference to the fact that it is truly a day-by-day decision to remain in a relationship that has an uncertain future.

But don't all relationships have an uncertain future? Isn't it an on-going choice by both parties to remain in a relationship?

---

In deciding every day, our decisions are based on the NOW.

There are some days when that is ok. I feel centered and focused. I am present. I am enjoying this moment. I see the good.

My perspective is clear.

Then there are other days when I don't see anything but a future filled with angst and pain. On those days I am deeply rooted in fear.

I don't want to make decisions based on fear!!

But aren't we, as humans, looking ahead most of the time? Don't we make calls on relationships and life based on the future? Is that the best decision making process?

We don't have any idea what the future holds. We have no clue what sort of judgments we are making right now that are based solely on our tiny little perception of the much bigger picture.

How is our deciding of what we think will happen - based on what we think we know - the best way to decide?

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Then again, this is what we do and how we lead our lives every day.

In every moment, we are judging and making a decision based on what we know now.

This is why we cannot have regrets. Why regret what we thought was the best decision we could make at the time?

• We only knew a finite amount of information.
• We had a certain perspective at the time of "the now" or "the future", "love" or "fear".
• We laid a judgment upon the situation based solely on the past, which in effect, projects our past into the future.
  

In recognizing these attributes to my decision making process, I am more apt to pull myself back to the present moment.

---

When I feel those fears, I don't want to answer the phone when Rascal calls. I don't want to respond to his texts. I want to remove him as my Facebook friend and pretend that he doesn't exist.

Wouldn't that be easier?

I could run away from it and get used to not leaning on him anymore. He would be hurt, sure, but I would save myself a lot of pain later, right?

When I can pull back to the present moment, I recognize that he isn't running away from me. He, in fact, will reach out to me stronger when I pull away like that.

So I slow down my panicked breathing and see that Rascal has sent me text messages. Somehow he senses it, he just knows and he asks, "R U OK?"

I try to play it off. Surely he is tired of my moods changing like the winds. He is as steady as the land. He will not allow me to hide away with my fear. He will patiently convince me to spill my guts.

When I painfully admit these fears to him, he says, "I know how you feel."

And just like that, I remember that I am not the only one in this relationship. I am not the only one who gets scared and thinks too much.

So as long as we are both choosing each other, every day, in some form or another, this story can't help but have a happy ending.

*deep breath*

I hope so.

I saw a plastic surgeon last week. It was my second consultation with him. I will be calling next week to schedule a surgery.

When I wrote about this subject before, I had many opinions from readers that were supportive, questioning, or surprised. These are all feelings that I have about it too. To be honest, I am frightened for a variety of reasons.

However, since I've been thinking about this, I have discovered many women who have had the same surgery and are extremely happy with the results.

I have also found that many people in my life, who seem to be happy, fairly content people, also have an area or two that they would like changed.

I have to ask this question of them because I am asking it of myself.

Why?

---

I sat in the doctor's office last week and looked at photo after photo of women with perfectly fine bodies who wanted something different. I also saw photo after photo of women who definitely had a wonderful improvement after surgery.

Part of me wonders: do they love their bodies now?

Those that looked fine before, are they finally content?

Do we all have a fear of not being accepted for what we look like?

It is really easy for me or someone else to say, "Well, my partner just better accept me as I am now."

But do we accept ourselves?

Soldier never had a complaint about my body. I did hear him, however, be very critical of other women's bodies and of his own body. Maybe he had thoughts about my body that he never voiced to me. (Because you don't bite the hand that feeds you.)

Perhaps those that have complaints about a partner's body simply do not accept their own insecurities?

Maybe it is in accepting, or changing, our own body image issues that we are finally able to stop comparing or critiquing?

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In my A Course in Miracles group today, we talked about projection.

The reason that we project is because there are attributes about ourselves that we are ashamed of.

To relate this to the subject at hand, it is much easier to get angry at a partner or blame someone who seemingly has an opinion about our bodies, than it is to simply face the fact that there is something we are not happy with. We also forget that all of us has something that we are not happy with physically.

I know just as many men with body image issues as women. I've heard men complain about the size of their penises, to the shape of their asses, to the hair that grows on their bodies. It isn't just women who worry about what we look like.

So I wonder, if we own it, if we take full responsibility for our body image insecurities and not project blame on someone else for their seeming lack of acceptance, does that, in turn, help us to accept ourselves?

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Yes, all in all, it would be nice to have someone say that you're perfect just the way you are.

It seems that only a person who thinks that about themselves would be willing to say it. Since most of us don't see ourselves that way, we will project our insecurities or imperfections on to others. Maybe instead of projecting or expecting validation that we don't believe ourselves, we could simply turn the finger around and point that back at ourselves.

Maybe then, we can look at it, own it and either decide to do something about it, as I am doing, or learn to accept ourselves as is.

Then when someone tells you that you're perfect, you will finally actually believe it.

Because really, the only way that we can be affected by what someone says to us is if we believe it about ourselves.

And that could go either way.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Twice this week alone, I have had two of my closest friends question my relationship with Rascal.

Heck, even *I* question it!

To us, our relationship makes some kind of sense. We love each other. Very much. We are extremely close. And each of us wants the other person to find happiness in a relationship close to home.

Huh?

Yeah, maybe it makes no sense at all.

Long distance relationships are supposed to be difficult, filled with longing and suffering. Neither Rascal or myself want that for ourselves or each other. However, neither of us can deny what we feel. So, we've chosen to enjoy it while we have it and at the same time, we're both open to dating others.

We warn each other of friends wanting to set us up on other dates or new people who show interest in us. We're very open and honest with each other. We also admit to jealous feelings at the thought of the other with someone else. We both know that some sort of end will be painful to one or both of us. We know it is inevitable.

But sometimes, when we're both swept away with emotion, I wonder if either of us really knows what is happening. Even last night, Rascal was being questioned by one of his best friends too.

"I can't explain it to him," Rascal told me, "When I try, he just rolls his eyes. I don't know what's going to happen but I have one question:

Why do we, as humans, always jump to the end of the story, the back of the book, instead of just enjoying it as it unfolds?"

Sometimes we do go round and round for hours trying to define what is happening or what will happen. We have tried to label it but the thing is, the only label that either of us can put on it is from Rascal's fortune cookie during that first week we were speaking to each other:

A beautiful adventure.

I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Tonight as the kids and I left my friend Marie's house, I began explaining to them how long I've known Marie:

T: I met Marie when I was 21 years old. I had been singing in a band and Marie's husband was just her boyfriend back then. He played guitar in the band. I met her through him and we became fast friends. Then we moved in together 2 weeks later.

I was just dating your dad back then so Marie knew him too. Both Marie and her husband still love your daddy very much.

Rose: They knew you and Daddy before you got married?

T: Yes, a really long time.

Grace: Did you and Daddy have a wedding?

T: Yeah, kind of.

R: Like with flower girls and everything?

T: Well, your dad and I got married in the snow. And it was only he and I and the woman minister who married us. Oh, and a photographer too.

G: Are you still married now?

T: No.

R: No, Grace, they're divorced now. It's kind of like a break up.

G: That's okay, Mommy. You and Daddy are still friends and you still love each other.

T: Yes, baby. Yes we still do.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

I am SO fortunate to have a wonderful ex husband that I can call friend. And I'm ever so thankful that even my 4 year old can see that past the marriage, separation and divorce, we still care very much about each other.

We just make better friends than spouses.

Photo taken on my wedding day in 1992 in Lake Tahoe.

I have no idea what to write about.

I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm one of those people who thinks entirely too much. So, if I'm at a point where I don't really have much to say, that's good, right?

I feel like we're old friends who haven't seen each other in a while and now I'm not sure where to begin.

Let's see...

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The Kids

The girls were in Vacation Bible School all last week. We don't go to church on Sundays but I most definitely nurture faith and spirituality with my kids.

I like to send them to VBS in the summer so they get a chance to learn about Bible stories and the traditional Christian values that I grew up with. Growing up Catholic, we didn't have any sort of biblical studies so I do find endless joy in hearing my little girls recite memorized verses with the chapters and all. I never had that.

I was not, however, thrilled with the hellfire and brimstone pamphlets that came home with them. But I did use it as a teaching opportunity.

"Some people believe this. I personally don't. It is up to you what you believe. I will support you either way."

I hope they will be open enough to look at and accept many viewpoints before deciding what is true to them.

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Rascal

*sigh*

I just love Rascal.

I think much of this weird transformation has to do with having him in my life. I'm very much a mask-wearer. We all do this. We all pretend to be something so that others don't notice what we're ashamed of or hiding underneath.

Well, funny that I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to learn to look at myself, all of me, and accept who I am and what I've been hiding. I've admitted some stuff here on the blog that I may not necessarily admit to anyone else. I have some level of anonymity here so it feels safe.

Then this guy Rascal comes into my life and sees right through that mask. Like it's not even there!!! It angers me and upsets me at times. I can't stand him for seeing that which I perceive as ugly.

But he turns it right around and says, "So?"

I am being accepted for this? Really? Even though I've always thought it was a horrible fault or weakness or ugliness or whatever?

It is terribly disconcerting and empowering at the same time. I feel naked and vulnerable and completely loved.

He is also saying that I have opened his eyes to many things in his life. It is such an interesting relationship that we have. Loving, kind, supportive, accepting.

I try not to think about what could happen or where or if the relationship is leading to anything. I am following Momma Sunshine's advice of looking instead at what purpose he is serving in my life.

He is definitely in my life with exquisite timing. I couldn't have planned it any better myself.

Every night, when I hang up the phone from him, I say a silent prayer thanking God for showing me such love through another person.

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Me

I am finding that my head feels a little clearer. I think the homeopathic remedy is helping with the depression. I was also apparently suffering some PMS. I usually have some sort of light mood swing during that part of my cycle but I was WAY low this time around.

I am definitely calm, doing my best to stay focused on the present and using lots more gratitude.

Most of the time, I don't feel like saying much. I truly do feel that I'm pretty tired of hearing myself talk about things like I know something. What the hell do I know?

In yoga last week, I felt a strong calling to begin my daily meditation practice again. I can certainly put aside 5 minutes in the morning and evening to simply sit in stillness.

I am getting some sort of routine back again after being out of town for 3 weekends in a row. I feel so much better. When my routine is off, I feel completely messed up.

The heat is awful. I have definitely slowed down my running because of it. I am keeping up with my cycling and swimming. Next triathlon is in early August, about 5 weeks away.

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Maybe I can get back into my blogging routine again too. I can't tell where these posts are going to lead.

I guess the quest can go anywhere at this point.