As I examine my fears surrounding the idea of marriage, I recall the first few months of my previous marriage.
We'd purchased a home, further out than where I had lived for well over 3 years. I knew not a single person in the area where I now resided.
My friends, once by the multitude, had stopped calling. I suppose they assumed I was living in wedded bliss with my new husband. Unfortunately, he was a traveling businessman and was gone from even before our marriage began.
I was married. Yes.
And I was excruciatingly lonely.
***
When I consider marriage to Rascal, not only would I be committing to this wonderful man, I would more than likely be uprooting my family and moving 3 hours from a place where I've lived for more than 20 years.
My family is here.
My friends are here.
My children's family and friends are here.
I think my concern for all of us would be loneliness. My daughters would see their father less often and extra efforts would be made for them to spend longer periods of time with him. We would gain new friends, of course. I would certainly reconnect with family and friends around the town where Rascal lives - I did grow up there.
But what if...
again with the what if's....
If I uproot all of us, change my life, OUR lives, lose friends, move on, then I am, in effect, putting everything into one man.
The thought of this terrifies me to my very core.
I did that before and was left standing alone, post divorce, wondering why I depended on the institution and vows of marriage to begin with.
It seems that just as divorces scares friends away, marriage does the same thing.
Perhaps, I'm considering how that change would feel. I would most certainly adore being around a new combined family of Rascal, his children and my children. However, I have more than myself to think of. There is also a big part of me that would like to maintain my network of friends, my identity as "T" and all that goes with it.
My network of friends... these people in my life... they are
here for me. They are my support system. Each of them take turns providing me with love and support when Rascal can't. I've even taken special care that I don't depend on Rascal for everything. I've done that before. It simply... doesn't work. All of those expectations to be my "everything" is too much pressure on my partner and will obviously leave me feeling disappointed.
Yet, both of us struggle with this.
He knows that he cannot be my "everything". We both recognize this from the aspect of being married before and also from a relationship maturity level. I do, however, think that a part of him wants to be. He knows that he cannot be here to give love and support all of the time. I know this too. This is why I have others to lean on and spend time with. And yet, a part of me wishes that he could be. And a part of him doesn't like that I have to depend on others.
As long as we're long distance, I naturally maintain a separate identity, separate friends, and separate life from him. We're integrating slowly over time and distance.
Being together, in the same house, CHANGE.... still feels like a stranglehold but it is, with each day, gradually loosening its grip.
I'm so afraid of falling into past patterns of expectation.
I also wonder if this is why, prior to Rascal, I was beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea of "
friends with benefits" or "
polyamory". If I spread my love and my legs (pardon the expression) for more than one person, I could always have a
back up plan in case someone failed to pull through for me.
What a ridiculous and most selfish notion, isn't it?
(For the record, I am so thankful for a blog in which to process all of these thoughts. Putting it "out there" is really helping me to evaluate my own fears, concerns and utter selfishness.)